Frienships and relationships: Part 1

I miss my childhood. Not specifically being a kid, but living my life in such a way that my friends were limited to the people on my block, students in my classes and other kids from my church. Something about limiting my friends to people that I was forced to see on a daily basis made friendships significantly easier. No effort was required to spend time with friends and no effort was required to maintain friendships with people who I did not see on a regular basis. People who I might not know at all.

Now, however, times have changed. People who mean the world to me have become strangers to me. It may seem that claiming that these people are still very important in my life is hypocritical. It may seem that I am simply trying to hang on to memories... wishing for the "good old days". I don't think this is the case. I would like to have a relationship with these people now, and I understand that it would be a relationship with a dynamic different than any we have had. So what? I don't want to have the relationship we had when we were 7 and boys had cooties... I just want to know that you still care enough to share what is going on in your life and want me to share what is going on in mine.

It is weird to be a girl and have friendships with girls. Because it is our tendency as girls to give our hearts away to any boy willing to take it. But, once this happens... what is left over to give to the friends who have been by our sides all along? Not a whole lot. In my experience, I got completely wrapped up in the first guy I dated. Friends, family and other relationships of all sorts fell by the wayside. Then we broke up. Then what? Then you're just alone... and there is alot to catch up on with the friends you abandoned. While we all experience the same things... it sucks to be the friend getting abandoned. To watch your friends change completely to fit the guy they're dating and to realize that they have become someone you don't even know anymore, and more painfully, that they don't even seem to care.

In my experience again, they do care. I did. Without people by your side who truly know you before you date someone, it is easier to convince yourself that you are exactly the person that your significant other wants you to be... even if you're not. I have put up with far more from guys relationships than I ever would have if I had been close enough with my girl friends to tell them what was honestly happening. Close enough that I didn't need to pretend to be happy (pretend because I wanted the time that I wasn't spending with them to seem like a valid sacrifice). I needed these people who could see through me. And when those friendships were repaired, the dysfunctional relationships usually ended shortly thereafter.

This post took a turn from where I thought it was going. It started with me missing the people who aren't in my life, and ended up at the people who still are in my life, people for whom I am extremely grateful.

I think that this will be continued sometime when I can better organize my thoughts. As of now, I am too busy being hurt by friends who have decided to exclude me from their lives and too busy regretting ignoring the company here in this room with me. So, I am off to laugh my head off at a funny movie, surrounded by people who love me enough to keep me involved in their lives, even when our communication is restricted to texts, facebook, phone calls and emails and our visits are limited to once or twice a year. To the people currently in the room with me, oblivious to my current post: I love you.